WASHINGTON—In a move designed to promote unity and establish efficiency at the federal level, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday making the nation’s official language remedial English. “Going forward, all government communications must be really short and lack any kind of coherent grammatical structure,” read the executive order, which also mandated that official documents could not contain words that were more than one syllable long, could not use difficult modifiers like adverbs, and should ideally include numerous misspellings. “We will no longer permit fancy-sounding grown-up words, but will instead use ones that are easy to sound out if you think real hard. For instance, words that start with “kn,” “gn,” or a silent “h” are bad. But words like ‘dog,’ ‘mom,’ and ‘dad’ are good.” At press time, the Department of Education had released new guidelines forbidding schools from teaching students more than five words total.
