Apple picking is a fun and festive way for the whole family to enjoy the scenic autumn season. Here are The Onion’s tips for picking apples.
Vastly overestimate how many apples you eat.
Visit the orchard in January to avoid the crowds.
Leave the kids at home—they’re only going to slow you down.
Prioritize the apples that are packaged in plastic with caramel on them.
Approach the apple from the side to avoid spooking it.
Remember: different apple varieties prefer different kinds of bait.
Don’t pick up apples that have fallen on the ground, as it will cause their mothers to reject them.
Show initiative if you want to be hired full time.
Periodically look down at the object in your hand. If it is an orange, you’ve gone wrong somewhere.