Deep in the jungle of Isla Nublar, game warden Robert Muldoon instructs a group of park employees on how to handle the transfer of a deadly Velociraptor. As he grips his shotgun, Muldoon shouts orders like “Pushing team, move in there,” and “Loading team, step away,” while warning “I want tasers on full charge!” But when the gatekeeper goes to open the container to put the raptor in its cage, the dinosaur rams the back of the container, moving it backwards and causing the gatekeeper to fall. Muldoon tries to save the gatekeeper, but fails. The man is devoured by the ferocious creature.
After six movies — including three good ones — the opening scene of the first Jurassic Park remains one of the most gruesome in the franchise. But to assure audiences that death by dino can be fun, too, director Steven Spielberg made the very next death in the first movie far more lighthearted.
When the T. rex escapes its enclosure, the cowardly lawyer Donald Gennaro runs away from his tour car — abandoning two kids — and into the nearby bathroom. We don’t see him again until several minutes later, when the dinosaur tears down the bathroom, spotting Gennaro sitting on a toilet. The T. rex tilts its head like a curious puppy and then devours Gennaro.
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This was clearly a death meant for laughs, and there would be many more to come throughout the very uneven franchise. Given that there’s a new Jurassic movie out this week, it seems like as good a time as any to note the funniest death in each of the Jurassic Park and Jurassic World movies (yes, even the bad ones).
Donald Gennaro and Dennis Nedry in ‘Jurassic Park’
Following Gennaro’s death via T. rex, Jurassic Park saboteur Dennis Nedry (Wayne Knight) is also killed in a comedic way. After crashing his Jeep, he runs into a young Dilophosaurus who cutely squeaks and chirps at him. In an attempt to get rid of the dino, Nedry throws a stick behind him, trying to entice him to fetch it. Nedry even says “Stick, stupid! Fetch the stick, boy!” before throwing it. When the Dilophosaurus stays put, Nedry says, “Eh, no wonder you’re extinct. I’m gonna run you over when I come back down.”
At this point, we’re begging for Nedry to be killed, which happens when the Dilophosaurus appears in Nedry’s Jeep. In a fitting end to a despicable, yet hilarious, character, the dinosaur blinds him with its venom and tears him apart.
Eddie Carr in ‘The Lost World: Jurassic Park
Richard Schiff’s Eddie Carr has the rare death in the Jurassic franchise that’s both heroic and funny. In the scene before he dies, two T. rexes knock half of a trailer off the side of a cliff. As Dr. Ian Malcom (Jeff Goldblum) and a handful of others dangle to their potential deaths, Eddie drives up, attaches a cable to the falling trailer and attempts to pull it up. As he reverses his vehicle, the two T. rexes reappear. They rip off the roof of his vehicle, pull him apart and tear him in two like a grotesque dinosaur equivalent of the spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp.
M.B. Nash in ‘Jurassic Park III’
The Jurassic franchise took a major nose dive in both quality and budget with Jurassic Park III. As a result, the third movie only has a handful of characters to kill off and none of the deaths are funny. However, one death has a funny result, so I’ll have to go with that.
This movie is full of bad ideas, from the talking Velociraptor to the scene where a Spinosaurus kills a T. rex — something it could never do. (Paleontologist Jack Horner even told me it was impossible, and he’s the guy Dr. Alan Grant is based on!)
Among Jurassic Park III’s many bad ideas is the plot device of the Spinosaurus swallowing a satellite phone. For the rest of the movie, the Spinosaurus is basically like a gigantic version of the ticking crocodile from Peter Pan in that, every time it shows up, it starts ringing. While this bit doesn’t appear to be intentionally funny, the ringing Spinosaurus is so ridiculous that it’s kinda funny. By default then, the funniest death has to be the one that involves the Spinosaurus devouring the phone, which happens when he kills the pilot M.B. Nash (Bruce A. Young).
Indominus Rex Paddock Supervisor in ‘Jurassic World’
The second you meet the unnamed Indominus Rex paddock supervisor in Jurassic World, you just know this guy is going to be dinosaur food. For one thing, ever since Dennis Nedry, these movies love to punish the sloppy, overweight characters, and this guy (Eric Edelstein), with his misaligned tie and ill-fitting shirt, is both. The moment he enters the Indominus Rex enclosure with the far more handsome Chris Pratt, it’s clear that he’s doomed. Sure enough, when the Indominus Rex breaks out, Pratt survives, and this guy, who pleads for his life at the end, eats it (so to speak).
The Surfer in ‘Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom’
At the end of the quite bad Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, Dr. Ian Malcolm is testifying to Congress about how humans and dinosaurs must learn to coexist in the real world. During his testimony, we see shots of dinosaurs roaming about in everyday locations, like a T. rex breaking into a zoo and roaring at a lion and Blue, the Velociraptor, running through the desert. Among these shots is the enormous aquatic Mosasaurus seen within a gigantic wave near a handful of surfers, with his sights set on one in particular. While we don’t actually see him die, the suggestion of the surfer’s death adds a bit of dark levity to the otherwise serious montage.
Also, the dinosaur nerd in me needs to point out that the Mosasaurus isn’t a dinosaur, but I’m counting it anyway.
Scooter Guy in ‘Jurassic World: Dominion’
When the dinosaur black market is destroyed in Malta, dinosaurs of all kinds begin chasing people everywhere. Besides Owen (Chris Pratt), who hops a motorcycle, the pedestrians are running away on foot — save for one dipshit who remains on his slow-moving scooter, despite being chased by a Carnotaurus (objectively one of the coolest dinosaurs). Scooter Guy manages to dodge the Carnotaurus, but is immediately snatched up by the slightly-less-cool Allosaurus. It’s a gruesome, yet hilarious moment in an otherwise dull, terrible film.
Here’s hoping the new one is a better movie — and one that delivers us the funny deaths we deserve.