WASHINGTON—Lighting up his phone night and day with their cruel taunts, a group of teenage girls reportedly convinced Vice President JD Vance to kill himself Tuesday. “Everyone I know thinks you’re so gross,” 16-year-old Bailey Hayworth said in a video message she sent to Vance, causing the vice president of the United States to throw himself on his bed as he contemplated ending everything just to stop the constant stream of barbs from the high school sophomore and her mean friends on the junior varsity volleyball team—Abigail, Paige, Payton, and Sofia. “Seriously, where do you even find a suit like that? You’re ugly and irrelevant. If there were an insurrection today, people wouldn’t even remember you were there. Hey, you know what? You should definitely run in 2028.” Vance was last seen in an Instagram Live broadcast sobbing as he rummaged through his medicine cabinet and swallowed a handful of pills.
