CANYON LAKE, TX—Remarking that the 3-year-old didn’t even come close to stealing the show at a recent family wedding, witnesses reported Monday that they were unimpressed when a completely charmless flower girl walked directly down the aisle. “Sure, she did her job, but she utterly failed to delight us with any adorable toddling, spinning, or other childlike antics that would have really made her shine,” said guest Jackie Pearlman, noting that the entire audience watched stone-faced as the child calmly completed her assigned task instead of accidentally dropping her bouquet, nervously sucking her thumb, or giggling uncontrollably as she sprinted wildly around from pew to pew. “It’s unfortunate, because there were so many opportunities where she could have wandered around confused, stubbornly refused to wear her veil, or even tripped, fallen flat on her face, and burst out crying. Overall, there was nothing that made me want to crane my head around and gently chuckle. Not a fan.” Pearlman added that the flower girl was nothing compared to the completely charmless groom, who totally failed to show up drunk.
